It feels like it is going to be a real bad day. Waking up with a lot of tension, internal turmoil and very dark thoughts.

I am so bleeping scared. Scared of having to try and hold dark thoughts in check when it's all that is flowing through my mind when I am awake. Scared that I am feeling such a calmness about that certain option.

Scared because that option doesn't scare me the same way everything else scares me.

Right now the thought about permanent sleep sounds tempting.

Changes are coming.

Changes so big that I am having a very, very hard time dealing with and accepting them. Changes which I probably should be documenting blog style, but it's personal, it's painful, it's heartbreaking and it's very  very scary being me right now.

I can't talk about it right now, but this is the end of the line :(

As some of you probably know the area I'm living in, is currently the subject of massive flooding. Flooding which is being termed historic and which could surpass or reach flooding as seen in the last 500 years.

That is big. Really big. A local news paper is the best resource for area images and latest news.

Right now I'm so very, very happy that hubby and I decided to stay in Marion when we were looking at houses. I don't think I could have dealt with having to sandbag and a potential evacuation at the same time.

Someone please remind to try and plan ahead a little bit next time I get crafty ideas?

I just dumped a load of coffee grounds which I could have used to do the aging on some card stock and paper I wanted to work with tonight. Now I have to wait until tomorrow instead. Probably better though, but damnit I wanted to do the aging tonight so it could dry overnight and I could work on my project tomorrow in between doing laundry and other fun housework type stuff.

I have no clue what is going to happen today.

So we were supposed to have several watches and warnings throughout the night. I do not think we had any thunder, but did get a bit of rain and from the look of the side yard a lot of wind too.

But that was not what made the night interesting. It was one set of neighbors across the street and hubby was thisclose to call the cops on them too. A lot of yelling and screaming, someone backing out of the driveway and hitting another car (belonging to that house) setting off the car alarm and more yelling and screaming.

I used to think that I didn't mind the bad mid-west type of weather, but I am not so sure anymore. Lately I've noticed that I have a lot more anxiety type reactions to the prospect of bad weather moving through.

Lately it feels like all I've been able to say whenever I have logged in to make a post, "Still here". I have always been here, but haven't had the energy to write about but what has been going on in real life and that hasn't really been anything I want to share with anyone out there on the web.

Movable Type 4.2 is close to being complete and I'm playing with it in an off line install. The beta has been going on for a while, but I haven't had the energy to do anything about that until yesterday when I finally bit the bullet, downloaded and installed. I don't see much of a difference speed wise, but that might actually change once I get it installed online and go live with it.

And it getting close to the time when I usually get the itch to start (mostly) over with the install, so expect the unexpected around here. Of course there's a few entries which will remain as well as the wishblade file and a few other things.